Ever found yourself enjoying a conversation with a close friend or colleague, just catching up on news and then gradually feeling drawn towards a deeper level of disclosure as you relax in each other’s company? As the conversation unfolds you might feel comfortable enough to share something that is weighing heavily on your mind – a disappointment, concern or anxiety, perhaps. As a very old BT advert used to say, “It’s good to Talk” and in most conversations the benefits flow both ways, each person enjoying time to speak, share and connect.
But although you might relish opportunities to share your deepest concerns with someone you trust, have you ever noticed how, during these times, the natural ebb and flow of ordinary conversation is occasionally irritating? Often it’s when you start to notice that the other person has a different agenda; perhaps when they start sharing their own stories of a similar experience to yours or you sense the underlying assumptions they are making about your situation and your role within it. Maybe it’s because they just can’t help themselves from offering unsolicited advice that tells you EXACTLY what to do.
So, what makes a coaching conversation so very different from what I’ve just described? Well, broadly speaking it’s underpinned by 5 key factors;
Beliefs:
For a start, a professional coach isn’t there to fix you or your situation. They don’t take over and they won’t tell you what to do. Why? Because they fundamentally believe that you, as the client, already have the resources and capability you need to resolve your own issue or challenge. So, they approach the relationship with a deep respect for your skills, experience and potential for change. And part of their role might be to support you to identify those and empower you to fully step into that belief for yourself.
Agreements:
Effective & ethical coaching is based on agreed parameters for the conversation – whether that’s a one- off session or a series over time. The coach’s job is to support you to gain clarity on the purpose of your coaching and what you want to achieve from the time together – whether you express it as an outcome, goal, intention, action or even a feeling you want to experience at the end. And then, they help to keep you on track as you move through the session(s). It’s all about your understanding of what’s important to cover, not theirs – so you control the agenda. And if, part way through, you realise that the goal needs to change, that’s ok! Of course, effective coaching agreements should ALWAYS include a discussion around confidentiality right at the start and how that will be managed.
Trust & Safety:
Coaches know it can be hard to open- up about the stuff we find hard to manage, because they are coached, too! An effective coach works hard to build rapport and show support, empathy and compassion, making it easier for you to express your thoughts and feelings more freely. Staying non-judgemental and curious about you and your situation, your coach should exude a relaxed calm presence and energy, which can help you to breathe out and feel you have the space to begin to unravel your swirling thoughts.
Powerful Listening & Questioning:
The key role of a coach is to listen to what you’re saying about your issue and to ask timely, pertinent questions. Not to understand the “full story”, which isn’t possible, but to gain an appreciation of what the “story” really means to you, why it matters now and where you most feel stuck in dealing with it. They might make observations about what they notice about you as you speak, partnering with you to raise your self-awareness. This means you should be doing most of the talking! And effective coaches understand the power of silence, allowing you time to think deeply and reflect, allowing space for feelings and new insights to emerge. Breakthroughs in your thinking or problem-solving will rarely happen when you’re not given enough time to mentally change gear!
Sense of Direction:
Finally, whilst you are on your journey of self-discovery & problem-solving, your trusty coach is always keeping an eye on the satnav! They are aware of where you’re heading and want to help you stay on the right track, checking in on the best use of your time. They may gently challenge any apparent diversions along the way, but should you should decide to change direction and follow a different route, well, they’ll respect that too and enter a new postcode – after all, you’re the one in the driving seat.
If you would like more information about working with me as a coach, please feel free to get in touch to arrange a no-obligation conversation. fiona@fpiassociates.com
